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Learn to accept your child's friends

There is a very thin line that parents have to tread between being protective of their children and being intrusive or manipulative in their lives. If a 'friend' is wrecking your child's self-esteem or pushing them into illegal or dangerous behaviour it is almost certainly time for you to step in. Otherwise, kids' relationships really should largely be allowed to run their own course. Your child will have many different groups of friends over the years, some you will like and some you really won't. (Mostly you'll be right; sometimes you'll be wrong.) Each and every experience, good or bad, will only help your child grow as a person and a personality.

Openly opposing your child's friends, especially older adolescents, will only seem hurtful to them. In many ways, not accepting their friends may make a child feel as though you are not accepting them. If children of high school age sense parental antagonism, as a form of rebellion they will often align with their friends against their parents. If the friends do participate in behaviour that you are not comfortable with, then be careful that being being confrontational doesn't risk pushing your child towards that lifestyle.

Like any new acquaintance you really have to get to know your son or daughter's friends before you can pass judgment on what sort of influence they may be. Talking with them and finding out their interests is always the best way to learn to accept and trust your children's friends. It can be hard for most parents to really talk with their teenager's friends, though. That's often a pretty exclusive world that they live in! It's just not always cool to be seen chatting with your friend's mum or hanging with your friend's dad. Teenagers will often not let their true selves show until they are alone with their friends. Sometimes you have to find other ways to get to know them.

Get to know your child's friends

One of the best ways to pick up on the personalities of your children's friends is when you drive them around. Providing the taxi service for your kids and their friends around their various activities and social functions can sometimes get tedious. But being in the car with your child and group of their friends can let you catch a peek into their social world that you would otherwise pay serious money for! Sometimes just remain silent and let them grow comfortable in their chatter. You will begin to see some of their personalities shine through as their barriers are lowered. Just don't expect to 'catch' your child at something - they won't forget you are in the car altogether.

Another good way to get to know your child's friends is to open your home to them. This does not mean to give them the complete run of it at all times. You might think about having relaxed rules about friends staying for meals or allowing groups to come and watch movies. This makes them feel welcome and encourages them to see you in a positive light - and the more lightly it is that they'll spontaneously open up to you. Again, the more time you spend in their company - even without real conversation - the more you will understand why your child is attracted to this group of friends.

Staying active in the school and local communities can be a huge help in learning about your child's friends through their parents. By working with a variety of parents in different situations you can get a feel for the sort of values and beliefs held in the homes of your child's friends. Who knows, you may even make an unexpected new friend of your own!

But if all else fails, there is another way to learn about your child's friends. Ask. After you meet a new friend of theirs, ask about that person's interests and how your child met them. This will give you exactly the perspective that you want - the reason why the two have become friends. The things that your child chooses to share can be very telling.

But remember, in all of this, you are not out to spy on your child. If you trust them, don't be too nosy or too intrusive. You may risk ruining the good relationship that you have built over the years.

If you are really worried...

You can set rules about how the friends can interact. For younger children you can have more leeway with this technique, for instance insisting that your child only plays with certain friends in group situations or when an adult is around. When children begin to grow older, rules really have to be more universal and not tailored to particular individuals.

Talk to your child. Children listen to their parents more than you would believe. If you notice a friend treating your child inappropriately, talk to them about how that makes them feel. If the problem is that a child displays different values from those that you have tried to instill in your child (eg, materialism or sexism) use it as an opportunity to reinforce your beliefs. If your child starts to exhibit some of the undesirable manners of the other child, it is your right to remain firm. An obvious statement of the position you choose to occupy is to say something along the lines of: "We don't treat each other like that in this family".

Talk to your child's teachers. Teachers see lots, and can give you insights into how your child's friendships function in school. Sometimes with younger children just pairing them up with different partners now and again can change the whole social structure of a group of children. If you make the teacher aware that you think one of your child's friends may be mistreating them, they will be able to see more clearly during the day what is going on.

The bottom line: Try to have good beliefs. Try to instill those beliefs in your children as they develop their personal relationships. Try to stay friends with your children while you do so!

All content of buy1or2.com is copyright Ian Evans 2008