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Boyfriends Views on relationships - from both sides
You thought everything was going great in your
relationship and suddenly out of the blue your partner turns round and
tells you its over, "its not you it's me", leaving you
broken-hearted as your whole world crumbles around you. What happened? Did I do something wrong? But I
thought everything was going so well... According to a recent survey carried out in the UK,
it is the little things that lodge in our minds and finally push us over
the edge, causing us to end a relationship. Top 5 reasons why girls dump their boyfriends 5) He picks his nose (10%) 4) He leaves toothpaste stains in the sink
(10%) 3) He's got smelly feet (15%) 2) He's always farting (20%) 1) He doesn't wash his hands after using the
toilet (25%) And, just in case you're wondering: Top 5 reasons why men dump their girlfriends 5) She constantly moans about her periods
(10%) 4) She's got bad breath (15%) 3) She spends too much time and money shopping
(16%) 2) She talks too much (20%) 1) She's got annoying friends (25%) Breaking up couldn't be easier - pay someone else
to do it! The old song says that "breaking up is hard to
do". Not these days, when you outsource the job, it isn't! Popping up all over the place are services where an
intermediary will deliver a break-up message on behalf of someone - lover,
partner, spouse - who wants to dump the 'other half'. For a little extra your dumping can take the form of
a poem: "Roses are red, Violets are blue, Welcome to Dumpsville,
Population: You." Nice. One such service is based in Germany and run by
Bernd Dressler. His 'Separation Agency' has helped to terminate 120
relationships in 11 months, hence his nickname, 'The Terminator'. "We have had dating agencies for 30
years", notes Herr Dressler; "If you want to have a new
partnership, then you have to quit your previous one." Dressler will deliver the bad news with typical
German efficiency - by phone for 20 Euros or in person for 50. The client is asked to give three reasons for the
breakup, and then chooses from one of four breakup packages, depending on
how much you think your (soon to be ex) partner is worth. The base model
is a 'let's stay friends' arrangement, delivered by phone and via a
'sensitive' phone call. For the 50 Euro package, Herr Dressler will show up on the soon-to-be ex's doorstep, and give a painfully detailed account of why his client wants to end the relationship. He will then collect his client's personal stuff and leave. One of the recipients of a message from Herr Dressler is a 37-year-old council official named Hagen, whose girlfriend, Heike, paid Herr Dressler to do the dirty for her. "It hurt like hell at the time," sobbed Hagen, "but Herr Dressler was very objective. I suppose it was the only way that Heike could tell me that things are over." And it probably was the only way - other than Heike saying "Hagen, I'm breaking up with you". The problem with that approach, of course, is that it takes courage. "I have come to the conclusion that younger people can't face up to ending difficult affairs. Many treat relationships in the same way as an empty Coke can - when it's finished, they want to throw it away", says Herr Dressler. That, and they're a bunch of gutless cowards. What happened to the good old days of breaking up? The tearful pleadings? The late night hang-up phone calls? The heart-rending months of trying to make it work when there's nothing left to make work? The obsessive stalking and restraining orders? (OK, forget the last one.) Nowadays it's separation agencies, relayed breakups through mutual friends, or in the worst cases, receiving a text message. (A particularly cruel way to convey the information in a text message is to just tag it on to the end of a 'normal' message: "Will be working late tonight. By the way, I don't think our relationship is going to work out". It can't be a great feeling to receive: "Hey, u r dumped. Thx. L8r." Are services like Herr Dressler's filling a pre-existing need or has the creation of his service also created the demand? Still, these separation agencies may be on to something. 50 Euros just to crush someone's heart on behalf of a coward. Makes you think, doesn't it! Do it yourself: How to dump your boyfriend Introduction Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 4 Step 5 Step 6 Step 7 Step 8 Take it from me - a few tips Whatever you do, don’t just decide to ignore your ex by not replying to their calls, messages or emails. If you want to dump them, dump them, but don’t pretend they don’t exist. If he takes it badly, don't let him make you feel guilty. He may try to make you feel bad, but if you don't want to be with him, there's no reason you should be... and you're doing him a favour by letting him know. If he or his friends ask why, tell them the truth. If he ignores you, ignore him back - he'll likely rethink that eventually. If he takes it OK, make sure it's not just an act. You don't want any lingering feelings that could come up later, especially if you want to stay friends. Try not to crack! If you feel bad about what you are doing, remind yourself of the reasons why you want to break up! As with all break-ups don't try spending time with him afterwards. Months, even years may be necessary before you can rekindle any friendship you might want to have. Don’t criticise the sex when you break up with a guy. They might cry. Sensitive ways to end it with a boyfriend
Myths and truths - a man's-eye view To add balance to this page (come on, it's only fair!), here's how one man (who chooses anonymity!) sees relationships Here are his rants, sharing with us his accumulated experience about women. Men in happy marriages or stable relationships don't need to read this; neither do men who get laid every week (or even every month). The ' myths' are things that the writer used to believe before he cottoned on and discovered the truth. The 'truths' laid out here are for all of those men who, like the writer, worship women and can't figure out why those same women keep messing around and dumping. MYTH: Women want love and affection. Women want to be treated well; if you treat a woman well, she'll treat you well. TRUTH: Young women want whatever other young women want. They're herd creatures. If you lavish a woman with love and affection she'll think you're doing it because nobody else wants you (which may be true) and she'll dump you. In fact, if you do anything that betrays that you're a loser that other women won't touch, she'll dump you. Why? Because she wants to impress her friends with what a great catch she's made, and if she thinks that they wouldn't want you, then she doesn't want you either. There are only three exceptions to this rule. The first exception is psychos, otherwise known as 'witches, bitches, and crazy ladies'. They'll stay with you because nobody else wants them, or because you're the only one who put up with their abuse. The second exception is women who like to 'fix men up': those women who like to take a 'broken' man and turn him into the man desired. These women are single because a mature man will recognize that these women don't want him... they want to turn him into someone else. The third exception is that once in a long time you meet a woman who isn't psycho, still wants to stay with you when she finds out that you're not super stud, and doesn't want to change you into someone else. This is the one you marry. MYTH: Women are out for money. TRUTH: Women are out for status and fun or for security, depending upon their age. A few women are out for cold cash, but not too many. Status-seeking women aren't ready to settle down. They just want to have fun, and they want their girlfriends to know it. They're looking for a guy they can dangle in front of their friends and say, "Look what I got!". You don't have to have money to be that guy, you just have to come across as desirable. Of course if you have money you don't need to do anything else, but having no money isn't the end of the world. The women who are out for security have had their wild fling and want to settle down. They want a guy who can provide a stable base for the future (and that includes finances). All in all it's sort of like what guys do (and women whine about endlessly): when you're young you want some bright, bubbly thing with huge tits, a nice ass, and a trimmed bush who screams like a banshee in bed, although you'll settle for much less; when you're ready to get married you want a nice girl who isn't going to get after you every night. They're usually different people unless you're very, very lucky. Young women want bad boys who will show them a good time. When they're ready to get married they want some guy who is going to be able to pay to keep them comfortable. MYTH: Women are out for looks. TRUTH: See above. Women are out for looks, sort-of. A guy in good physical shape who wears decent-looking clothes is attractive because he looks after himself and probably isn't a wimp or a whiner. She can convince her friends that he's a 'catch'. A guy who looks and smells like a laundry bin, or who can't climb a few flights of stairs without a rest had better have some spectacular attribute to show off to her friends (like being a genius) or he's not worth her time. Any guy can compensate for lack of looks or lack of money with showmanship. He doesn't have to be a catch, just seem like one. All he has to do is make her friends think, "Damn, I wish I were going out with him instead of the loser I'm with". MYTH: I should find one woman I like who likes me, and stick with her through thick and thin. TRUTH: This is the biggest mistake I ever made. I used to be loyal to whomever I was with, even when someone better came along. All that happened was that I missed out on some great opportunities while I hung on with losers that ended up dumping me anyway. Do this if the two of you are getting married; once you've tied the knot it's a whole other can of worms. However, if you're just dating, do exactly the opposite. In very subtle ways you have to let her know that although you like her, there are lots of other women out there and you still notice them. Glance at tits and legs. Smile at and chat with pretty ladies, even while she's with you (you're just being friendly, of course). This is the most important thing I've learned about dating in a decade. I even thought of dating WASP bitches again, so long as I could keep this in mind. Never, never let her know that she's the only game in town. As soon as she believes that she's your 'everything', she'll start whining and bitching and making demands. Think of it like buying a car. If you let the salesman know that this is your dream car, that you've stayed awake nights thinking about buying exactly this car, do you think the price will go down? Of course not! He'll jack the price up as high as he thinks he can go and still have you buy it. If you tell your girl that you've dreamed all of your life of going out with someone like her, do you think she'll smile and kiss you and things will go on as before? Of course not! She'll realise that you'll put up with more of her bad habits, and that she can put up with fewer of yours, and the bitching will start. She'll try to make the relationship as comfortable for her as possible and still keep it going. Remember the car salesman? Remember the attitude that "this is a nice car, but there are hundreds of other great ones, including that one across the street", even as your heart is thumping and you're practically drooling? If you're just dating, this is most definitely the attitude to take. MYTH: Having a girlfriend / fiancée / wife means being able to tell someone my problems. TRUTH: Nobody gives a shit about your problems. Nobody ever will. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the reality of being a man. Want to tell people about your problems? Get a sex change. Or join a men's group; the flip side is that you have to listen to their problems, but it helps. I know of only two kinds of women who want to hear about your problems: ones with far more problems than you have, and ones who fancy themselves amateur psychiatrists and like 'fixing' men. Neither is good company. Let's face it: many women spend all day whining to their friends about how awful their lives are and listening to their neurotic friends responding in kind. The last thing they want to do is go out with you and hear more of the same. To make matters worse, women simply don't 'get' many of men's problems. Women have problems with things that don't even bother us, but they expect us to be understanding or at least tolerant; we have problems with things that don't even bother them, and no amount of explaining will cause the light to go on or elicit any sympathy. So why not just commit hara-kiri now? Because it's not that bad. You get over it. In particular, once you figure out how to handle women a lot of your problems seem smaller and more manageable. MYTH: Having a girlfriend / fiancée / wife means someone will finally understand me. TRUTH: Understanding - true understanding - takes decades. If you spend most of your time with the love of your life trying to explain yourself, she will have nothing but contempt for you, for two reasons. First, because she doesn't want to hear your whining (see above). Second, and more important, women want to maintain the self-delusion that they already understand men. Women everywhere claim that they understand men and that "men are simple creatures". The truth is that women haven't a clue where most men are coming from and furthermore they care only insofar as they want to control us. Nonetheless, they want to maintain the fiction that they have us figured out. It's a pride and status thing. A woman who doesn't 'understand' her man can't control him, and a woman who can't control her man is a loser. The more you try to explain yourself, the more complex and multi-dimensional (ie, difficult) you become, and the less she can claim to understand you. Besides, most of the time you're explaining yourself to her you're really trying to figure yourself out. Go do it in a corner, hire a professional listener, or join a men's group. She doesn't want to hear it. If you master the art of keeping your problems to yourself she will complain bitterly about this. She will bitch and whine that you're not open enough and that she has to drag things out of you. She will also secretly love this. It gives her one more thing to complain about to her friends. MYTH: If only I could meet the right woman, my life would have meaning. TRUTH: If your life doesn't have meaning right now, when you're single, then a relationship isn't going to help. You'll pile too much baggage on top of the delicate emotional bonds too early, and the whole thing will collapse like a house of cards. Want to see this in action? Watch women: they do this all the time. In particular, women who whine about men who can't make a commitment are probably doing exactly this: looking to a man to make their life mean something. It doesn't work. The only way to have a happy life is to develop one for yourself, then leave an opening for someone else to come and share it with you. Neither of these two things is easy. In particular, it's too easy once you've developed a life for yourself to end up with someone who was doing exactly what you were doing before - waiting for Prince Charming (or in your case Lady Love) - to come and rescue her life. People like this end up draining away all of that energy you've worked so hard to build up, leaving you exhausted and frustrated. MYTH: If I treat a woman well and listen to what she says, she'll stop complaining. TRUTH: Women never stop complaining. For them, it's a sport. Some complain more than others, but none of them will ever stop, any more than one day men will stop discussing football. Men have built civilisations, created law, invented husbandry (that's keeping domestic animals by the way, not marriage; women invented marriage), built skyscrapers, invented cars, washing machines, antibiotics, toilets, computers, and microwave ovens, and generally dragged us out of caves and into high-rise flats. Don't kid yourself: men did it all. If it were up to women we'd still be living in caves and dying at 20. I know that men did it all because I know why they did it: they hoped that it would stop women complaining. It didn't. If you listen to your girlfriend's bitching and try to make everything better, you'll suffer the same fate as all the men who came before: you'll run yourself ragged, and at the end of it all she'll still be bitching. If you ignore all but the most important complaints, she'll bitch about that, too, but you'll feel far better about your life. MYTH: Men don't listen to women because men don't care about women. TRUTH: Men ignore women because women normally have nothing worthwhile to say. This is not a condemnation of women, but rather a difference in what talking is for. Men mull things over, organise things in their heads, then speak. Men have to do this because they have to get things done, and if they blabbered all day long about nothing in particular then eventually other men would pay them no attention. Men talk to communicate ideas, negotiate compromises, and secure cooperation. Life and experience has taught men to be brief and pithy. Women talk to organise their thoughts. It's the difference between doing the maths problem in your head and writing the answer at the top of the page, and scribbling all over the page in order to arrive at the answer in the bottom corner. Women want men to listen to them. Women want men to follow along as they scribble all over the page, not just wait for the answer. Quite frankly, who cares? As I mentioned above, there are lots of things that women don't want to hear from men. If you want to talk about these things, you'll have to find some other men who want to listen, because she sure as hell won't. If she wants to attach her mouth to her brain and vocalise all of her mental processes then she should find someone who cares to listen, in other words another woman. MYTH: She said she loves me. She must think I'm really special. TRUTH: When women say, "I love you" it can mean almost anything: "I want to spend the rest of my life with you"; "I'm desperate to get married and have babies and you're the best thing I've come across so far"; "You're better than the last loser I went out with"; "You're the best guy I've come across this week"; "All my girlfriends are in love and I want to be too"; "I have a million problems and I want you to feel obliged to listen to them"; "I want another date and I want you to feel like you have to ask me out again"; "It's time I put my foot down and started controlling you"; the list goes on. OK, most women think they mean it when they say, "I love you". However, remember the old saying, 'It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind'? She loves you this minute. Maybe today. Maybe this week. Maybe even this month. However, this says nothing about how she will feel next month, next week, or tomorrow. One of the biggest problems men like me have is that when we say, "I love you" to a woman we want to really mean it. Like "I love you forever". Men don't understand that a woman can say, "I love you forever" and change her mind next week. All she does is convinces herself that in hindsight, and despite everything you've ever said or done, you never really loved her, so all the times she said, "I love you" didn't really count. You have to learn to use the same language. Go ahead and say, "I love you", but inside your head say, "I love you right now. Tomorrow may be a different story". When you break up and she screams that you said you loved her, tell her that you did, but she did this and that and now you don't love her any more. When women say, "I love you" they aren't promising eternal devotion, so why should you be? One day you'll meet a woman who says, "I love you" and it'll really hit home. You'll test her love a bit and it will hold up. That's the one you marry. MYTH: Women understand relationships; men don't. TRUTH: This myth is perpetuated by women, pussy-whipped men, and psychiatrists. If women truly understood relationships... that is, if they understood relationships with men... then we wouldn't have the divorce rate we've got. Maybe back in the pioneer days women understood relationships. These days, they have coffee with their girlfriends, talk about 'men', examine and dissect relationships, study interpersonal dynamics, talk, talk, talk about what works and what doesn't, then go out and perfectly screw up their next relationship. I know. I've watched it happen. Women spend more time analysing relationships; they talk about them incessantly, and in doing so discover more truths than men know. However, all of this talk in a vacuum also means that their heads are filled with more bullshit and myth than are men's. The combination of superior insight and copious nonsense puts them right back where we are. Men tend to see what's going on in a relationship more clearly, but have no idea how to express what they see or what to do about it. Women would probably know what to do about it if they could only see it as it truly is, instead of through a fog of preconception. The other big difference between the sexes is that women are absolutely certain that they know what is going on, whereas men make no such claim. The last man who claimed to have his own radical theories about relationships was Freud, and nobody pays any attention to him any more. It is women's ideas about relationships and why they do or don't work that have been imported lock, stock, and barrel into the field of psychiatry. Most male therapists you'll meet are basically honorary women with university degrees, and as such they don't really understand relationships either. MYTH: Women are fairer and more even-handed than men. TRUTH: Nothing could be further from the truth. Traditionally men have favoured the same rules for everyone: 'He who lives by the sword dies by the sword'. Women on the other hand make up the rules as they go along. Although women's approach is patently unfair, it was valuable when they had to be the ones to point out that the rules needed to be changed, or that the rules should be bent in some cases. Back then they did this for the good of everyone. These days men still feel bound by rules, but women are in a conflict of interest. They still keep watch over the rules and break them as they always have, but now they modify and break the rules in their own favour. Men's justice is often harsh, but it's fair. Women's justice is arbitrary and these days often self-serving. (Liberal 'situational ethics' are essentially the same as women's ethics.) You'll find this out quickly in a relationship. The joke going around about 'The Rules' and how women change them all the time isn't such a joke. It's a documentary. If you doubt this, think of it this way. A man caught breaking or bending the rules of good behaviour will become either defensive or repentant; his wife will beat him over the head with his transgression for months, if not years. A woman caught modifying the rules of good behaviour to suit herself will giggle and freely admit it. She thinks it's a game. MYTH: Women do a lot for the relationship; men do a lot for themselves. TRUTH: My ex-girlfriend invented a little ditty that made her puff up with smug, self-satisfied pride. It went like this, "Women think of 'we'; men think of 'me'". Hmmm. The point is that she actually believed this, and a lot of other women do, too. She thought that she was living and breathing our 'relationship', while I was just kind of hanging around and taking up space. Meanwhile, I drove her everywhere (she couldn't drive), I spent hours making her gifts and writing her notes, and I spent hours thinking about what was going on with us and where we were going. The truth of the matter is that women don't think of 'we' any more or less often than men do. Women think of their own needs most of the time, too. The difference is that women redefine their own needs as being those of 'the relationship'. For example, when a man needs to talk to his partner about something, he says, "I need to talk to you". When a woman needs to talk to her partner about something, she says, "We need to talk". Notice the difference? Suddenly what she needs becomes what we need. Women do this all the time, and then pout and whine that they work so hard at the relationship and you don't. In fact they're just playing with words. The other truth is that there are two relationships: the one you're really in - the one that exists between you and her - and the one in her head. Remember how women are always talking and theorising about 'relationships'? Well, much of what she defines as 'our relationship' is really just a collection of theories and prejudices from past conversations with her girlfriends, and has nothing to do with what's going on between the two of you. In that sense, even if she is doing more for 'the relationship', it isn't necessarily anything that concerns her real relationship with you. MYTH: Women are more involved in the relationship; men are more aloof. TRUTH: Finally one that's true. The false part is the assumption that being deeply involved in the relationship is always a good thing, and that aloofness is fatal to relationships. If you doubt this, look around you and find a couple in which both people do little else but sit around with each other and talk, and watch how fast the relationship blows itself apart. Every relationship has to have a balance between looking inward and looking outward. Most women who complain that their men don't pay enough attention to 'the relationship' aren't seeing the relationship clearly and/or are buried in 'the relationship' up to their necks and so are creating more problems than they solve. Where is it written that when a man wants to go back to college and a woman wants to get married, and she gets angry that he's "not thinking of the relationship" that she's automatically right? Maybe the right thing to do at that moment is for both of them to go back to college for a couple of years. Women confuse obsessing about 'the relationship' with healthy involvement, particularly considering that half the time they're seeing stuff that isn't even there. Sometimes your relationship needs more attention than you're giving it; other times she's smothering it. The assumption that more involvement equals more love simply isn't true. MYTH: Women are social geniuses; all women get along well with each other, while men just fight. TRUTH: I lived in a mixed-sex hall for two years in university where each floor was segregated by sex. It alternated: one floor men, one floor women, one floor men, etc. A few nearby residences were completely mixed. A couple of the men's floors looked much the worse for wear at the end of the year. You know, men are so destructive. The women's floors all looked perfect. All the girls were smiling and friendly. Talk to any of them, however, and they'd tell you that they hated living on an all-female floor, and every last damned one of them was moving to the mixed dorms the very next year, and not with each other. According to them, underneath the tidy rooms and smiles were claws and forked tongues. Every day was a quiet, mannerly, pitched social battle. The men, on the other hand, got along just fine with only a few exceptions. Most of us were quite happy where we were, the only complaint being that we didn't see the ladies enough. One thing that is true along the lines of this myth is that any woman will defend another woman against a man, even a woman that she doesn't know. Start bad-mouthing women, even a particular woman that isn't known to 'present company', and you'll find women defending her even though they have no idea what's going on. If anyone - a woman or another man - verbally attacks a man, other men will not jump in and defend him. Why? Men assume that other men can look after themselves and, after all, they're competition. Women assume that an attack on one woman is an attack on all women. MYTH: Women don't change. TRUTH: In particular, women change with age. A woman who wouldn't give you a second look at 15 may be asking you out at 35. In part this is the dreaded 'biological clock' at work, but in part it's also changing priorities. At 15 she wants to impress all of her friends with her 'catch' and she is starting to learn to control men. She wants variety and excitement. At 25 she wants to have fun with no strings attached and wants to hone her controlling skills. She wants more stability but she doesn't want Bill Gates. At 35 she realises that the fun days are over and it's time to settle down and get serious. Boring, nerdy guys who were dog meat at 15 can be studs at 35. The guys grow up and mature, they learn to need women less, and they settle into a life of resigned solitude, which means that they cheer up because they're no longer striving for something they can't have. The field narrows, and there are fewer single guys with no divorce history. Finally, her priorities have changed. She's no longer impressed by 'bad boys' on motorcycles with a few convictions for petty crime. She knows that her friends aren't impressed by flashy, fast-living rogues any longer, either. She's more interested in building a nest than impressing her friends anyway (and she knows that building a nest is what will impress them). So, just because you can't get anywhere now doesn't mean that your whole life will be a write-off. Women: doncha just love 'em? |
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| Last updated: 28 January 2010
All content of buy1or2.com is © Ian Evans 2010 |
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